One of the great traditions of Christmas is, of course, the Christmas card. Some folks prefer, in lieu of a card, to write everybody a long chatty letter telling folks how the year has gone. Even some of the world’s most famous people indulge themselves this way. Here, courtesy of your Humble Columnist, are some examples of these holiday letters of the powerful and famous:

Christmas Greetings from the White House!

It really has been some year, hasn’t it? I never thought things could get more exciting after the present we got last Christmas when the Supreme Court gave us the Presidency. Justice Rehnquist, Justice Thomas, Justice O’Connor, all of you...you guys are the best.

We had a lot of fun settling in. Cutting taxes for corporate bigwigs, rolling back protections on the environment –that’s the kind of fun that money just can’t buy. Well okay, it can, but those were still the type of good times that we’ll always remember.

Of course, it wasn’t all fun and games, and you all know what we mean. We’ve faced some dark days recently. But the way people have pulled together to support this great office just goes to show the true spirit of America. I believe that with faith in God, perseverance, and the support of the American people, I can and will guide this country to victory.

Signed, Dick Cheney.

P.S. George says hi.

Merry Xmas from Tennessee!

It’s been a quiet Christmas here. In fact, been pretty doggone quiet all year. There’s not much going on. We’ve pretty much been taking it easy. The phone doesn’t ring. There’s not a lot of mail to answer. Al and I have gotten to spend a lot of time together to reflect on things. An awful lot of time. Plenty of time. A whoooole lot of time.

Please, for the love of God, someone get me out of here!

Love, Tipper

Salaam and Happy Ramadan everybody!

As you might have heard, the bin Laden clan has been mega, mega busy this year, what with Osama trying to bring about the downfall of civilization and all. It’s really kept us running (ha-ha!)

In January, we never would have guessed that our lives would be filled with such excitement. Things were pretty tame in Kabul. Oh, there were some bright spots, like when our friend Omar decided to blow up those ugly thousand year old statues. What a wild man that guy is! We really miss him and wish him well, whatever hole he’s cowering in.

Towards the end of the year, we decided to relocate to a smaller place which considering the four wives, fifteen children, and all of these fanatical bodyguards, has been a real crunch space-wise. But we’re not complaining! Oh sure, there’s no running water, lights, food, clean clothes, sanitary facilities, and those pesky bombs keep us up some nights. But we’re looking on the bright side and waiting for that day real soon when America, the great Satan, falls. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s sundown and I have to go help the other girls catch rats for our dinner. It takes forever in this darn burkha.

Allah akbar!

Fatima.

Hello and Merry Christmas to all our friends from the Ashcrofts!

We really love all the Christmas newsletters we’ve gotten from all of you. But, let me tell you, they’re really not necessary. Thanks to all those new and sweeping powers that Johnny got from his boss, we know what everyone’s been up to. Really. And some of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. You know that by questioning us in any way, you’re only aiding terrorism. We’ll be seeing a lot more of you all in the New Year, you can count on it.

Hugs, Janet.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.