HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2001

This year, our very own President has urged us to get out there and strike a blow for freedom, capitalism, and the American Way by boosting our economy. And what better way to do that by an orgy of mindless consumerism this holiday season? To aid you on your way, we once again present our annual Holiday Gift Guide:

In these troubled times, even the mail doesn’t seem safe. (Of course for those of us with major credit cards, it never was, but that’s another story.) This year the US Postal Service and the Centers for Disease Control have teamed up to make your holiday a little safer with their line of certified anthrax-free Christmas cards. Look for the friendly smiley face and the "no anthrax" stamp! Not responsible if the cards contain Ebola.

If you’re looking for a stocking stuffer that’s both decorative and practical, how about some stock certificates? These lovely certificates for failed companies like Enron, Pets.com, and Dr.Koop.com are great for lighting fires, mopping up coffee spills, and taking care of those embarrassing moments when you run out of toilet paper in the guest bathroom. (You won’t believe how absorbent they are.)

That rascal OJ is in hot water again! This time, he’s under investigation by the Miami police department for alleged drug trafficking and, of all things, theft of cable TV service. And what OJ scandal would be complete without a self-serving tell-nothing book by the Juice? So for the reader in your house, there’s this year’s OJ tome, following in the footsteps of that literary masterwork "I Want to Tell You". It’s called "I Know You Probably Don’t Want to Hear It, But…." (Reportedly, the original title, "Oops! I Didn’t Do It Again", had to be changed at the last minute when Britney Spears’ record company threatened to sue. OJ offered to "take care of that little blonde [expletive deleted]" but the publisher thought changing the title was safer. )

Of course, Christmas is primarily for the kids. This year’s toys, however, reflect the new, post September 11^th reality. For example, there’s the GI Joe "Taliban militia edition": complete with turban, rusty AK-47, and three whole rounds of ammo. Pull its string and it won’t stop running till it gets to Islamabad.

Even children’s books are now geared to help the tots deal with the aftermath of the recent attacks on America. Expect best-sellers this year to include "Clifford the Big Red Bomb Sniffing Dog" and "Why Is Achmed in Custody?" Even the "Where’s Waldo?" series gets a serious spin with the puzzle book "Where’s Dick Cheney?"

Of course, in the new, more serious America, there’s more of a need than ever for fantasy. This is why every kid this year will want his or her very own Harry Potter T-shirt, notebook cover, video game, board game, pencil box, lunchbox, toy chest, Thermos, sippy-cup, saucer, backpack, key ring, socks, sneakers, sheets, pillowcases, and bedspread. This should last your young wizard or sorceress until the mania for "Lord of the Rings" paraphernalia takes hold, in about, oh, fifteen minutes from right now.

For the young video game enthusiast, there’s a new "must-play" title that combines the educational value of "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" with the pulse-pounding action of "shooter" games like "Doom" and "Quake". "Where the Heck Is Osama bin Laden?" takes the player on a globe-trotting odyssey with heavy weapons. Your armchair adventurer can visit fascinating places like Yemen, Somalia and Sudan, learning about other cultures before reducing them to a pile of smoking rubble. For Playstation2, Nintendo Game Cube, X-box, PC, Macintosh, GameBoy and those little electronic organizers I can never remember the name of.

Return to the days of J. Edgar Hoover with the "Junior G-Man Law Enforcement Kit." Complete with wire-tapping set, surveillance camera, and a special computer disc that lets Junior find out what Dad’s really been doing on the Internet when he says he’s looking up the capital of Mongolia. Warrants not included, but heck, who needs ‘em these days?

Everything, of course, isn’t about fighting terrorism. For the scientifically curious youngster in your home, what could be more intellectually stimulating than the "Doctor Weird Home Cloning Kit"? Imagine the fun as your budding researcher populates the neighborhood with identical copies of his hamster or attempts to take over the world with an army of slaves cloned from his kid sister. Note: manufacturer is not responsible for villagers showing up at your house with torches and pitchforks.

So what are you waiting for? It’s Christmas Eve! Better get a move on.