Once again, newspapers, magazines and columnists are filling pages with reiterations, explanations, and ruminations on the year just past. Not your Humble Columnist. For one thing, that stuff requires actual research. So, once again we bring you our totally uninformed Year in Preview column, containing our fearless predictions for 2002:

January: Troubled pop star Mariah Carey sings the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Her publicist announces that the event marks the end of the mental problems that led to Carey’s being placed in a mental hospital late in 2001. Carey chimes in at the press conference to thank all of her fans who supported her "during this difficult time". She then announces her new concert tour of major U.S. cities and the planet Neptune.

February: Radio and television commentator Rush Limbaugh stuns his fans by announcing his retirement after cochlear-implant surgery restores his failing hearing. "For the first time in twenty years, " Limbaugh says in a five-thousand word apology on his Web site, "I could actually hear what I was saying. Boy, was I shocked. I sound like a mean-spirited jerk. I’m really, really sorry and I won’t bother you again."

March: Geraldo Rivera retracts his claim that he was present at a "friendly fire" incident in which three American soldiers were killed in a U.S. bombing raid. Rivera admits that he was, in fact, hundreds of miles away at the time, but claims that it was an "honest mistake." He also withdraws his claims that he was present at the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the invasion of Normandy, and the Battle of Little Big Horn.

April: Appearing on MTV's "Total Request Live", Mariah Carey announces her
candidacy for Prime Minister of France. She is immediately placed under
heavy sedation, along with most of her backup band.

May: The rock world is thrown into mourning with announcement of the death of Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger. A few days later, embarrassed record company execs reveal that Jagger is not dead, but was only taking a nap on the couch. "Mick always looks like that when he's asleep," Jagger's former spouse Jerry Hall assures reporters. "And yes, it is
creepy. It's why I left him." Another shock comes when publicists
inadvertently reveal that Stones guitarist Keith Richards has actually
been dead for six years, but "we didn't have the heart to tell him."
Richards, who accidentally overhears the news on CNN while carousing in
a Paris tavern, says, "oh, bugger!" and collapses into a pile of dust,
leaving behind a forty-thousand-Euro bar bill. The Richards estate saves
a fortune when no one can figure out what that is in real money.

June: Frustrated by last year's headlines declaring Summer 2001 "the Summer of the Shark", a consortium of Great White Sharks hires Bill Clinton's publicist for an ad campaign to "clean up their image." The ad campaign features shots of Great Whites devouring trial lawyers, IRS agents, and "Freddy Got Fingered" star Tom Green. The popularity of the finny killers immediately soars, with 40 % of Americans stating that they would vote for a Great White for President. 10% state that they would vote for Mariah Carey.

July: Not content with being named "Person of the Year" by Time magazine, Rudolph Giuliani announces that he would "accept" sainthood from the Pope. When the College of Cardinals point out that sainthood requires that a candidate actually be dead, U.S. attorney general John Ashcroft labels the College a "terrorist organization." George W. Bush refuses to intervene, saying that he stopped being a fan of the Cardinals when they moved to Arizona.

August: Increasingly paranoid over the possibility of bombs being smuggled onto aircraft in passenger’s shoes, hats, and underwear, all of the major airlines announce that, henceforth, all passengers will be required to fly naked. Passenger luggage, whether carry-on or checked through, will be taken to a secluded spot far from the runway and destroyed by cluster-bombs.

September-October: Miami-Dade County prosecutors, frustrated by their inability to obtain evidence of drug trafficking by notorious scumbag O.J. Simpson, open a trial of the Juice for theft of cable television service. For his defense, O.J. reassembles his famous "dream team" including criminal defense stars Alan Dershowitz, F. Lee Bailey, and Johnnie Cochran. At the end of the seven-week trial, Cochran delivers an impassioned closing argument, concluding with the lines: "He got no ESPN, so they can’t win!" The jury acquits Simpson in fifteen minutes flat. Miami Dade Cable, however, wins a 45 million dollar punitive damages judgment against Simpson in a civil trial.

November: On Election Day, Gary Condit manages to get exactly three votes in his bid for re-election, including his own. "Maybe I shouldn’t have kept saying I wanted to run on my record and what I’ve done in the past," Condit ruefully admits.

December: Makers of the battery-powered, gyro-stabilized Segway "human transporter" are stunned when the vehicle fails to become the season’s hottest Christmas gift. "I don’t understand it," Segway inventor Dean Kamen tells "Wired" magazine. "A three-thousand dollar, odd-looking one-person scooter that goes too fast for the sidewalk, too slow for the street or highway, has no protection from the elements and no cargo space…how could it NOT revolutionize transportation? " Initial offerings of the Segway are only bought by the U.S.Postal service and Mariah Carey.

So keep your seatbelts buckled and your eyes open. It’s going to be another bumpy ride.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.