In an announcement that either shows admirable optimism or a total disconnection from reality, the new interim government of Afghanistan has announced that it wants to bring tourism back to the war-ravaged country. ``Afghanistan is one of the most ancient countries of the world," Information and Cultural Minister Raheen Makhdoom told the press, " with lots of ancient monuments and lots of natural, interesting places. I'm sure, when things get normal, there will be thousands of tourists.''

At first, upon considering the prospect of waves of camera-wielding yokels in Bermuda shorts descending upon Kabul, Kandahar, and Bhagram loudly demanding Budweiser and bagels "like you get back home", I confess that my reaction was "haven’t those poor Afghanis suffered enough?"

Let’s face it, though, Afghanistan needs all the help it can get. And with its towering mountains, ancient culture and reputation for hospitality, Afghanistan was once a tourist destination, "on the ‘hippy trail’ for adventurous travelers in the 1960s and 1970s," according to an article in the Associated Press.

All that is gone. What decades of civil war didn’t destroy, American airpower and Afghan artillery did. The Taliban smashed all the museums. They used cannon to destroy priceless statues thousands of years old. The streets are filled with burned out rubble. The best hotel in Kabul, the 60’s era Inter-Continental, has no water or heat. A recent poll revealed that 60% of people polled would rather vacation in Gary, Indiana than in Afghanistan. (40% couldn’t identify where either place was.)

Afghanistan is also poised to become the recipient of millions of dollars in U.S. and other countries’ aid. Part of that aid needs to be a serious effort in the West to help out the Afghan people in their quest to bring tourism and culture back to that war-torn country. A few suggestions about what we might do:

As noted above, Afghanistan does have a certain rugged beauty. It would be perfect for what has become known as "extreme tourism". "Extreme tourists" aren’t happy with soft beds, beach chairs, and a tall cold one in the hotel bar at the end of the day. They do stuff like motorcycling through the Himalayas and getting dropped out of helicopters in remote locations so they can snowboard down suicidally steep, uninhabited mountainsides. You know, the sort of stuff you only thought went on in soft-drink and shaving-cream commercials. What better place for this sort of lunatic vacationer than Afghanistan? They even have packs of insane gun-toting hillbillies to add a little spice to the trip, just like that movie "Deliverance."

Television needs to do its part in promoting Afghan tourism. CBS is always looking for new and exotic venues in which to place the thoroughly odious participants in its popular "Survivor" series. So why not "Survivor 3: Afghanistan"? Think of the sheer entertainment value of watching the contestants scrounging for food by trying to distinguish between the bright-yellow food aid packets dropped by the U.S. and the bright-yellow of unexploded cluster bombs. A few trips like that and they won’t have to worry with voting anyone off.

One of the things that Afghans have been missing has been sport. The Taliban even banned soccer as "un-islamic", and reserved the soccer stadium in downtown Kabul for public executions. Soccer, we are happy to report, has returned to Kabul stadium, once they figured out how to get the bloodstains out of the midfield line. We can’t help them out much on the soccer front, but Major League Baseball has been threatening a "contraction" in past years, with commissioner Bud Selig stating that two teams will probably be cut out entirely next year. But here’s a better idea: why not send a couple of teams to Afghanistan? For that matter, why not send Bud Selig?

Or for those who don’t like baseball, how about golf? Anyone who’s seen golfers on our local courses slogging through rain, winds, sleet and even snow knows that golfers are nuts—sorry, I mean really dedicated to the game. Jack Nicklaus could design an 18-hole tournament golf course in the rugged country around Kabul. The PGA could hold a major tournament there. Just think what land mines and unexploded ordnance could do for the game. It might just bring in a whole new audience. I’d certainly watch.

Being bombed by America is no fun, as many Taliban (and a few Green Berets and Northern Alliance troops) have learned. But there’s always one bright side: after the bombs comes the money. Contrary to what many people in other countries think, Americans hate war, despite being better at it than just about anybody. When it’s over, our national guilt leads us to pour dollars in to rebuild the country. So let’s pour a few of those dollars into tourism. After all, why should Pinehurst have all the fun?

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.