All-news network CNN has ended up with major amounts of egg on its corporate face after a series of ads ran promoting the network’s newest star, veteran anchor Paula Zahn. ``Where can you find a morning news anchor who's provocative, super-smart, oh yeah, and just a little sexy?'' the announcer coos. The words "provocative", "smart" and "sexy" are put up in big red letters on the screen as the announcer says them. At that point, the music pauses and the voice-over intones the answer: ``CNN, Yeah, CNN.''

CNN officials yanked the spot almost immediately, as soon as it was seen by someone in authority at CNN headquarters who was not totally deranged. ``It was a major blunder by our promo department,'' CNN Chairman and CEO Walter Isaacson admitted in his official public statement. ``The ad was never seen or approved by anyone outside the promo department. I was outraged, and so was Paula Zahn, who has spent more than 20 years proving her credibility day in and day out on the air.'' Issacson, in an apparent attempt to ward off hordes of feminist protesters, defensively noted that it was an unnamed female member of the promotions department who approved the spot. One suspects that the lady in question is sending out resumes right now.

Ms. Zahn herself was, by all accounts, less than amused. No doubt she was particularly piqued by the sound effect behind the commercial, which is the unmistakable sound of a zipper, presumably being unzipped, as the announcer says the word "sexy." Possibly this is meant to portray the expected male reaction to seeing Paula on the screen.

Over at CNN’s arch-rival, the upstart Fox news, major execs were so delighted they did everything but dance the Highland Fling. "It makes you wonder who's running the place over there,"' chortled Kevin McGee, Fox News’ Vice President of Programming. "During her time here, we never referred to Paula Zahn as 'sexy' in any of the promotional materials about her," another Fox News spokeswoman sniffed.

That’s for darn sure. In fact, when Ms. Zahn was fired during a contract dispute with Fox News last year, Fox chief Roger Ailes dissed her pretty harshly, saying that a "dead raccoon" would have received higher ratings than Miss Zahn. Maybe CNN was trying to bolster Paula’s confidence. You know: "Hey, baby, welcome to CNN, you’re lookin’ good," that sort of thing. Maybe it was meant to a sweet gesture, a sort of Mary Tyler Moore moment. Or maybe not.

Actually, I think maybe everybody is taking this thing just a little too seriously. After all, you can’t deny that Ms. Zahn does have some bootylicious qualities, especially considering she’s forty-five years old and has three kids.

Maybe some of the other networks should pick up on this idea. Then you might see promos like these:

Tight shot of male buttocks in tight jeans: "What’s the hottest thing to come out of the Great White North?" Cut to wide shot of Peter Jennings turning around in jeans and a distressed-leather jacket. Voice-over: "Peter Jennings, heating up your nightly news on ABC."

Or how about this one: Romantic music. A shot of a candlelit table set with fine china and silver. Pull back to see Dan Rather sitting across the table with a come-hither look in his eyes. Voice over: "Have a quiet dinner with Dan. Nightly at 6:30."

Or this one: Shot of Fox News’ Greta van Susteren on the air. Suddenly, the picture is obscured by the top of a beer can, which is then lowered to reveal Greta again-- except this time she’s in soft focus, dressed in a silk teddy. Voice-over: "Greta van Susteren...she doesn’t look too bad after a few beers."

So where is all this headed? Well, when you’re talking cutting-edge innovation in news reporting, you’ve got to look at Finland. A Finnish regional broadcaster known as ATV bills itself as the home of the "naked news,'' where an anchor strips off all of her clothes while reading the news. It gets better. A telecom operator known as Sonera is considering a move to bring "naked news" to handheld personal computers accessing its wireless Internet service. (You may insert your own "Palm Pilot" joke here.)

Here at this newspaper, we pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge of news-business trends. I, for one, will not be caught in the backwash of the rising tide. Besides, I have no journalistic credibility to lose. So I volunteer to be the sexy one for the Pilot’s next promotional drive. I’ve got the tight jeans, I’ve got the leather jacket, I’ve got that certain savoir faire and je ne sais quois. And I’ve got all my original hair.

I await the call.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.