Article II, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution requires the President to "from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union". And every year, the media treats the state of the Union Address like some sort of political Super Bowl. Every year, some pundit solemnly intones that this is the Big One, the President’s make-it-or break it moment. Every year, the President’s advisers spend weeks agonizing over the content and the wording, tweaking and twiddling the language, cutting and pasting to try to ensure that no one gets alienated by what gets put in and no one gets miffed by what gets left out. And every year, I defy you to find five people on the street a week after the speech that remember a word the President said, other than "God Bless America."

It’s not like there are any surprises left in the address. The first State of the Union Address, by George Washington, started by noting the big news that North Carolina had finally joined up, thus making sure the fledgling Union would have access to world-class basketball. Like most recent years, however, the speech this year was as predictable as an episode of "Touched by an Angel." Not only did President Bush pre-leak excerpts from the speech to the press, he met with congressional leaders at breakfast to give them an outline. I guess you can hardly blame Dubbya and his crew for trying to follow a pre-written script to the letter, because let’s face it, Dubbya trying to speak extemporaneously is a verbal train wreck waiting to happen.

And follow the script he did. Terrorism is bad. Our troops are good. Whatever it costs to defend our country, we’ll pay it. (Well, you’ll pay it. Rich people and big corporations are getting tax breaks). All of this, of course, was punctuated with introductions of attractive war widows, heroic flight attendants, and foreign dignitaries such as Afghan Interim Chairman Hamid Karzai looking natty in an emerald-green cloak and fancy hat.

Afterwards, of course, the herds of congresscritters scurried to their pre-positioned microphones to put their own pro- or anti- spin on the speech. Congressman and Presidential hopeful Dick Gephardt delivered the Democratic response. I’d love to be able to comment on it, but I confess, I turned the channel to watch "Battlebots." Come on, be honest. How many of you really want to watch Dick Gephardt do anything, much less deliver a response to the State of the Union Address? I’ll bet Mrs. Gephardt didn’t even watch.

And why do the speeches have to be so long? I mean, George Washington got the job done in a mere 833 words. Bill Clinton’s final State of the Union, on the other hand topped out at a mind-numbing 9,099 words and took almost an hour and a half, thanks to the endless ovations that seem to be triggered whenever the President says anything that anyone could remotely consider a good thing. One official statistician for ABC news counted 75 breaks for applause in Bush’s forty-five minute speech. The record, however, for long State of the Union addresses is held by Harry Truman, who turned in a 25,000-worder in 1946. At least Truman had the good grace to send that monster by letter rather than delivering it in person. With breaks for applause, he might still be delivering it today. He would have gone from being known as "Give ‘Em Hell Harry" to "We’re In Hell, Harry."

Is all this pomp and pageantry really necessary? After all, there’s no Constitutional requirement for the President to show up and deliver the speech in person. Washington and John Adams delivered their addresses live, but Jefferson decided to just send the address in letter form. Woodrow Wilson revived the tradition of delivering the State of the Union to Congress back in 1913 and, with the exception of Truman’s massive missive, every Chief Executive since then has made the trip to Capitol Hill each January. Plus, having so many Administration officials in one place is just an invitation for trouble of the worst kind in these uncertain times. I mean, Dick Cheney could have been subpoenaed!

Frankly, I’d be just as happy if the President just sent everybody an e-mail:

MFA: The SOTU , IMHO, is GR8! America’s troops, MHOTY! OBL will be FUBAR RSN. TTYL. GBA. GB, POTUS.

(Translation: My Fellow Americans: the State Of the Union, In My Humble Opinion, is Great! America’s troops, My Hat’s Off To You! Osama bin Laden will be…um…Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition, Real Soon Now. Talk to You Later. God Bless America. (signed) George Bush, President of the United States.

See how simple that is? He could do it right from the Oval Office, with his feet up on the desk, eating pretzels.

Okay, maybe he should skip the pretzels.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.