THAT SEGWAY GIZMO LOOKS BETTER ALL THE TIME

If the folks at Toyota and Sony have their way, the automobile of the future may be more like your buddy or your pet than a mode of transportation, at least if a recent story at CNN.com is to be believed. At the Tokyo Motor Show 200, the auto and electronics giants teamed up to produce a prototype of what they dubbed "The Pod." The Pod is apparently based upon some of the same concepts that went into "Aibo", Sony’s creepy-looking little robot dog.

Some of the innovations of the Pod are safety-oriented. According to a statement released by Toyota, the Pod "can detect its user's driving skills and compare them to prerecorded driving data of an expert driver. It then displays words of praise or warning on its monitor". Personally, if I thought I was always being compared to other drivers, I might develop performance anxiety. Were the others better in the turns? Did they drive longer than me? Who needs this?

The Pod also has its fun side. It "gradually learns its user's driving habits, personality, tastes and interests and eventually starts providing what the user needs automatically," the boffins at Toyota report breathlessly. This is done through the use of a keyless entry device called the "Mini Pod", into which the driver can store personal data for later perusal by the car. For example, "If a musician's name has been installed in Mini Pod and is then mentioned during a conversation between a driver and passengers, the Pod's sensor detects the keywords and the car automatically starts searching for that musician's songs via the Internet. It then downloads and plays them."

Whoa. Hold the phone. My car is going to be surfing the Internet? I don’t like this idea one bit. For all I know, I’ll get in one day and discover that the car won’t start because all its computer memory is taken up with downloaded images of young, fast cars with their tops down.

I like the idea of my car picking music for me based on random snippets of conversation even less. What if your mention of a certain band is something like "Man, I hate those guys, I wish they’d all come down with a loathsome disease." I then have to worry about their whiny, chirpy little boy-band voices assaulting me from the car speakers, not that I’m thinking of any band in particular? Thanks, but no thanks.

The car provides helpful hints on more than just music. "When the car is passing a restaurant that serves the users' favorite foods, it will let them know, " according to the article.

Oh, lovely. Someone ELSE tempting me to overeat. This car doesn't need a mechanic. It needs an exorcist.

Where the mad scientists at Toyota and Sony go completely over the line into gibbering lunacy, however, is in the design of the Pod’s exterior. You see, the Pod not only won’t let you drive in peace, it also feels the need to communicate with other drivers. Inside, the vehicle utilizes a "face recognition sensor" that can, for example, detect when a driver is falling asleep and broadcast a warning to other cars (and, presumably , the Highway Patrol).

Actually, I think this is a feature that needs expansion, but only for other people’s cars. I need the warnings to be more specific, however: "This person is coming off a nasty confrontation at work and is carrying enough armament to outfit a platoon of Al-Quaeda." Or: "This driver is slobbering drunk, high on enough pharmaceuticals to stock a chain of drugstores, and thinks your car is a ten-foot tall pink cockroach". Even a generic "this person is a complete jerk all the time, you might consider an alternate route for the foreseeable future" would be useful. But, as I say, only on other people’s cars. My driving is impeccable. Really.

The Pod is capable of more than just warnings. It has—get this—a tail. A tail that wags. I am not kidding here. Supposedly, "the tail can swing to say ‘thank you’ to a following car for giving way," according to Sony.

Now THIS is just creepy. If I’m out on the highway and another vehicle starts wagging its tail at me, I’m going to get on the cell phone and make myself some reservations at a nice secure mental-health facility. If you install a hand with appropriately extended finger in the front for idiots that cut you off...now THAT might be useful. But not as useful as a pair of twin-barreled, air-cooled, 30MM chain guns. Now there is some automotive technology a fellow can relate to.

There you have it folks. The car of the future. It compares you to other drivers, it nags, it even rats you out. Frankly, I’d rather walk.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.