DON’T MAKE ME GO UPSIDE YOUR HEAD

If you’ve ever doubted the power of words, consider the case of a Galveston man who was recently convicted of aggravated assault. Seems that Thomas Mitchell tried to ventilate his girlfriend because he though she was about to say something he really hated to hear. He was not, however, afraid that she was about to say "Bye, bye, sucker, I’m taking the pickup and running off to Laredo with that cute guy from the video store." No, the phrase that set Mitchell off was–are you ready for this? "New Jersey".

Mitchell, you see, has long had a powerful aversion to certain words. And while the word "Wisconsin" also causes a strong response in Mitchell, it’s not just geographical. He also has been known to fly into a rage at the mention of the words "Mars Bar" and "Snickers". So one day, when Mitchell looked into the baby blues of his beloved and thought she was going to say the word "New Jersey," he went in his bedroom, got his gun, and loaded it. When she knocked on the door, he answered it and shot her. Three times.

Needless to say, Mitchell has a long history of mental illness. Two psychiatrists, however, examined him and said that he was competent to stand trial and that he was not insane, at least in the legal definition of that word. Sort of makes you wonder what it is you have to do in Texas to be considered really crazy.

When you think about it, though, don’t we all have words or phrases that make us a more than a little nuts? I know I do.

One thing that really gets my hackles up is the way some people use the word "liberal." Not that I think it’s necessarily a bad word in itself. Some people even apply the word to your Humble Columnist, not always accurately. That amuses me more than anything else. What gets me foamy around the mouth is the way that some people use the word as if it’s their whole argument. "(Insert name here) is obviously a liberal. So there." It’s enough to not only drive me up a wall, but to drive me up into a bell tower with a high powered rifle. (See, told you I wasn’t a liberal. Liberals hate guns).

Another one that really pushes my buttons is the sneering use of the words "politically correct." Now, I’ll be the first to admit that some people in our society, particularly some academics, have bent the English language into nearly unrecognizable shapes to avoid the possibility of offense. God love ‘em, because they keep me in column topics. What I’m talking about is yay-hoos who, when you suggest that maybe it might be a good idea to treat people with a little civility and respect, respond by giving condescending little smirk and an "ooh, aren’t we being politically correct." Don’t make me go upside your head, I’m warning you.

Then there’s the word "networking", used as a verb. Let’s get one thing straight. You may be meeting me. You may be talking to me. You may even be exchanging business cards with me. But unless you’re attaching yourself to me with a length of CAT-5 computer cable, you are not "networking" with me. And if you really want to use cables in that fashion, please be advised I don’t swing that way.

Advertising and brand names are fertile ground for language that drives me batty. I especially loathe cutesy misspellings or fractured grammar in brand names or store names. "Toys ‘R’ Us" is bad enough, but any business that not only calls itself "Country", but spells it with a "K," makes me want to drive my car through the front windows.

Another advertising-related irritant is the overuse of the word "Extreme" or (harking back to the previous peeve) "Xtreme" . It reached the depth of absurdity with the marketing of a bottled water called—I kid you not—"H3O--Xtreme Water". Now, I don’t know much about chemistry, but adding an extra hydrogen atom to a water molecule sounds either impossible or dangerous.

Automobile commercials on TV often render me incoherent and throwing things at the screen. I remember a couple of years ago, one automaker hyped its vehicle by claiming it had a "driver-oriented cockpit." As opposed to the cars that have the instruments mounted on the back of the passenger seat, I suppose.

Finally, I think we can all agree on the proper way to deal with people who constantly use those television catch-phrases that were old and overused within a week after the shows first aired. Phrases like "is that your final answer?" and "you are the weakest link…goodbye!" should be at least punishable by a severe beating.

I’m joking, of course. I get my frustrations out by pounding a keyboard, not my fellow man. I would never do any of these terrible things.

But don’t push your luck.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.