In Joseph Heller’s brilliant antiwar novel "Catch-22," the title is provided by a paradox of military regulations. In the book’s fictional world, there’s a simple way for a terrified bomber pilot to get out of flying into the teeth of enemy flak and fighters: he can ask for a psychological discharge on the grounds that he’s insane. Of course, no one but a crazy person would actually want to fly the suicidal missions the squadron is assigned; therefore anyone who asks to get out is, by definition, not crazy, so he’s fit to fly, and back into the war he goes. "That's some catch, that Catch-22," the books’ main character observes. "It's the best there is", another character agrees.

Of course, Catch-22 was fictional. Or is it? Consider the case of Army Captain David Donovan, who’s a military policeman at Fort Bragg. Donovan, at least according to him, is bisexual. In August 2000, he requested permission to resign from the Army "for homosexual conduct in lieu of a general court-martial." He even offered to repay the Army over 17,000 for his education.

Absolutely, you may say. After all, hasn’t our own beloved President declared that "homosexuality is incompatible with military service"? One would think that they’d be glad to give Donovan the boot. A study by the Service Members Legal Defense Network, an advocacy group for homosexuals in the military, finds that discharged for homosexuality are at an all-time high: 1,250 people last year.

But the Army doesn’t want to let Captain Donovan go. The reason? According to Major General Raymond Barrett, Jr. commander of the U.S. Army Training Center at Fort Jackson, South Carolina, "There is insufficient evidence that any homosexual conduct has occurred." This despite the fact that Donovan’s psychiatrist sent a letter along with the application saying Yep, by golly, Captain Dave’s gate swings both ways. But, says Barrett, "The resignation does not disclose a homosexual act or marriage and does not contain a statement of homosexual conduct." Of course, if Donovan were to disclose an instance of homosexual conduct, he’d be subject to criminal prosecution.

So, let’s review. What Captain Donovan has to do to prove the validity of his request to resign is provide specifics of (or, one supposes, get caught in) a homosexual act. But if he does so, he still won’t get out, because he’ll likely be in a military prison.

Life imitates art. Call it Catch-23.

Of course, you have to wonder: if they think Donovan is lying, wouldn’t this still be a reason to boot him out? I mean, why would you want a liar like that in the Army at all, much less as a policeman?

Conservatives, military leaders and some lawmakers of both parties have argued that the presence of declared homosexuals in the armed forces would be detrimental to military readiness. They said that letting gays and lesbians serve would destroy overall morale and erode good discipline and order. Some soldiers, so the reasoning goes would refuse to take orders from gay officers or non-coms and others wouldn’t sign up at all. The federal government has argued that the presence of known homosexuals in the military destroyed "unit cohesion," or the ability of members of a unit to trust one another and work as a team.

On the other hand, the Donovan case shows that the military is obviously concerned that, like the Coporal Klinger character in "M*A*SH", some people are going to use the ban on gays in the military as an easy way out. "Hey, I’m gay, can I go home now?" And, even though the ruse never worked for Klinger, perhaps there is something to that fear. The discharge of 1,250 alleged gays and lesbians last year begs the question: were all of them really gay? And if so, who let all those gay people into the military in the first place?

Obviously, either the policy trying to keep gays and lesbians out of the military isn’t working or some people are getting desperate enough to start putting Ricky Martin posters on the barracks walls and singing show tunes in formation in order to get out. I can only see one solution. Drop Bill Clinton’s craven "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy. Put all of the gays and lesbians in one unit, with gay officers. That way, there won’t be any questions about dissension in the barracks between the gay and straight soldiers. Heterosexual soldiers won’t have any incentive to lie in order to get out, because the only place they’ll end up is in a brigade full of gay guys. Even if the barracks are more tastefully decorated and there’s low-fat frappucino in the mess hall, not a lot of straight guys are going to go for it.

Okay, it may sound crazy, but it’s got to work better than what’s happening now. We already have the 101^st Airborne "Screaming Eagle" Division—why not a brigade of Screaming Queens? Think of how humiliated Al-Quaeda would be to get stomped by THOSE guys.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.