Anyone with more than a nodding acquaintance with cartoons knows that it was not uncommon for primitive humans to resolve disputes by bonking one another on the head. Scientists, however, have heretofore been unwilling to accept the theories to be found in "B.C" comics and "Flintstones" reruns. They insist on actual evidence. Now, it seems, they’ve found it.

A team of French and Swiss scientists working on reconstructing the skull of a Neanderthal found near St. Cesaire, France have discovered a wound in the skull, one that most likely occurred when, in the words of the scientists, "the individual suffered cranial trauma, probably from a blow exerted with a sharp tool or weapon during an act of interpersonal violence." Translation: Someone went upside the poor fellow’s head with a club.

It also appears that the victim survived for at least some period of time after the attack, however, since the wound was partially healed. From this and the other fossil evidence, the team has drawn several conclusions. For one thing, they’re pretty sure he was assaulted by a member of the same group. But they also think it was other members of the group that nursed him. "If anything, this new finding makes them [Neanderthals] more human," says anthropolgist Erik Trinkaus of Washington University. "They had tempers and acted accordingly, but they also were compassionate and nurturing."

Other evidence shows they may have been even more human than Trinkaus imagined. A detailed analysis of cave paintings done near the site has revealed evidence of a tribal council held shortly after the attack. Using linguistic analysis, laser imagery, and a fifth of cheap bourbon, your Humble Columnist has reconstructed the events that may have taken place at that council. Or maybe not.

CHIEF: Okay, settle, settle, people. We got lot to do. We need talk about recent attack by Ug on Wee-ka.

UG: Me? Why you blame me?

CHIEF: What you mean? Three members of tribe see you do it. Hair and blood found on club in your hut. You have Wee-ka’s shell necklace on right now.

UG: I say conspiracy. Club planted. Me want lawyer.

CHIEF: What is conspiracy? What is lawyer?

UG: Talk to Juk. Juk speak for me now.

CHIEF: Juk? He worst hunter in tribe!

JUK: Me object.

CHIEF: What mean, object? And what that on your feet?

JUK: You like? New sandals. Come from alligator. I think I going to call them Guccis.

CHIEF: How you kill alligator? You worst hunter in…never mind. What you got to say?

JUK: My client come from deprived childhood. Never enough food, forced to live in caves and flimsy huts. Always running for life, cold and afraid.

CHIEF: We all live like that!

JUK: Ug not responsible for attack. Is fault of society. (Other members of tribe nod agreement).

CHIEF: What is matter with you people? You been eating those mushrooms again? Poona, you want say something?

POONA: Poona want to know when tribe do something about proliferation of clubs around here. Tribe need better club control. (Murmurs of agreement, followed by grumbles of dissension).

JUK: Hah! You liberals all alike! You glad Wee-ka get bashed because it give you excuse to try to take club away from law-abiding tribe members!

POONA: Hey Juk, there something called evolution. Maybe you should try it.

JUK: When club outlawed, only outlaw have club!

CHIEF: Sit down, Juk.

JUK: They get club from me when they take it from cold dead hand!

CHIEF: Maybe tribe take vote on that. Now sit. You too, Poona.

JUK and POONA: Why we have to sit just because you say?

CHIEF: Because I got club right here, right now. You got club?

JUK and POONA: (sit down).

CHIEF: Okay, anyone got anything else to say? (A hand goes up. The Chief studiously ignores it) Anyone? (The hand begins waving.) Anyone at all? (The hand is waving frantically now. The Chief sighs deeply). All right, Pee-ta. What you got to say?

PEE-TA: I say this attack is result of tribe eating meat. Tribe need to go on veggie diet and this not happen so much.

CHIEF: Not this again. Pee-ta, how many times I need to explain? We hunter-gatherers.

PEE-TA: Mammoth not good for digestion. Make tribe fat.

CHIEF: We wish.

PEE-TA: Besides, mammoth killed in inhumane conditions.

CHIEF: I’ll say. Last one stomp three tribe members flat before we bring down. Look, we wasting time. We got to decide how take care of Wee-ka. Whoever taking care can’t hunt, can’t eat. Et-na, you say you have idea?

ET-NA: Sure do. Everyone give me food. When tribe member get sick or hurt, I give food to whoever take care of him. Sound good?

TRIBE: (Murmurs assent, hands over food).

CHIEF: Okay, now we go hunt.

PEE-TA: Or gather.

CHIEF: Whatever. Poona, you stay behind. Give Wee-ka some water, he look thirsty. Et-na, give Poona some food.

ET-NA: Hmmm...me not know. Poona not on preferred provider list. And giving water not proved effective treatment for head bashed in. Sorry, have to decline claim.

CHIEF: No wonder we dying out.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.