FBI officials revealed last week that the Bureau intends to undergo a massive reorganization plan to help it fight the war on terrorism. Among the proposals is the creation of a so-called "Super-squad", headquartered in Washington DC, to help coordinate anti-terrorism operations worldwide.

Frankly, the FBI needs to be doing something different than they’ve been doing. The latest blow to the Federales came when Director Robert Mueller was forced to admit that the Bureau gave "too little attention" to a memo from a field agent that expressed concern about Middle Eastern men enrolled in American Flight schools and urging further investigation. The memo, which was sent to the Bureau’s main office in July of 2001, specifically mentions Osama bin Laden’s organization, according to the New York Times, and suggested that bin Laden might be trying "to place Islamic militants in the civil aviation industry around the world". Mueller also referred to another internal document that’s downright eerie: notes sent in August 2001 by a Minneapolis agent wondering what a French Moroccan named Zacarias Moussaoui was doing taking flying lessons in Minnesota and speculating that he just might be planning to "fly something into the World Trade Center." Moussaoui, who was picked up soon after, is regarded by authorities as the only surviving member of the September 11^th suicide team.

So maybe a "Super Squad" is just what the doctor ordered. The Bureau announced that it plans to hire hundreds of new agents, including, one imagines, new members for the Super Squad. I can just see it now....

"Okay, everybody, listen up. This is the room for applicants to the FBI Super Squad. Those of you who are here to apply for the Maybe-Not-Super-But-Still-Pretty-Darn-Good-Squad need to go to Room 401. Applicants for the Mediocre Squad, Room 409. Dumb-As-A-Box-of-Rocks Squad interviews will be held in the auditorium on the first floor. Thank you. Now, our first applicant. Your name?"

"Cranston. Lamont Cranston."

"Ever go by any other names?"

"I’m also known as the Shadow."

"Okay. Qualifications?"

"I know what evil lurks in the hearts of men."

"So does Jerry Springer. Anything else?"

"I have the power to cloud men’s minds."

"Hmmm...maybe we can use you in Press Relations. Leave your resume with the secretary, we’ll call you. Next! Yeah, you in the red cape. Name?"

"Superman."

"No, your real name."

"Ummmm...do I have to reveal that?"

"Look, pal, we haven’t got all day. You want to be in the Super Squad or not?"

(Whispering) "Clark Kent."

"Is that first name Clark spelled with or without an "e" on the end, Mr. Kent?"

"Will you keep your voice down? It’s supposed to be a secret identity, get it?"

"Your qualifications, Mr. Kent?"

"Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

"Not bad. You got any accounting experience?"

"What?"

"A lot of our agents are CPA’s. Helps us follow the money trail. You a CPA?"

"No. But I do have X-ray vision."

"Whoa! Sorry, pal, can’t use you. Last thing the Bureau needs right now is for some clerk-typist to file a sexual harassment complaint because she says you looked under her clothes. Next! You in the latex bondage outfit. Yeah, you. What’s your story? You from San Francisco or something?"

"I’m Batman."

"Ohhh-kay. Qualifications?"

"Years of crime-fighting experience. And I drive a really cool car."

"Any references?"

"Well...I’ve got my youthful sidekick Robin, here. We work as a team."

"Yeah, I’ll bet. Nice outfit, kid."

"Thanks. You don’t think it makes me look fat?"

"No, it’s actually quite slimming...never mind. Look, I’m sorry, guys, we won’t be able to hire you."

"But why not?"

"Well, I’ll be frank. You look like a couple of pansies to me."

"But didn’t J. Edgar Hoover wear a dress?"

"Exactly. We don’t need that kind of image problem again. Forget about it. Next! You, the big green guy. What’s your name?"

"Me Hulk! Hulk angry! Hulk smash things!"

"Sorry, sir. Try the DEA. Or the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They’re always looking for people for the raid teams. You’d fit right in. Next! Yes, you, miss. Your name?"

"Wonder Woman. And it’s Ms. If you don’t mind."

"Whatever. Previous experience?"

"I used to be member of the Justice League of America."

"Sounds like some sort of right wing fringe party. Got any special talents?"

"I have a magic golden lasso that forces prisoners to tell the truth."

"Oh, great. You tie suspects up and force them to testify against their will. The ACLU is going to just love that. Get outta here, lady! Next!"

Oh, well. Guess super crime fighting teams aren’t what they used to be. Neither, apparently, is the FBI.

Dusty Rhoades lives in Carthage, practices law in Aberdeen, and was always more of an "X-Men" fan anyway.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.