RETURN OF THE SON OF

NEWS IN BRIEF

Time once again for News In Brief:

A deranged neo-nazi activist claiming he was trying to "save France" was subdued and taken into custody after firing a rifle at French President Jacques Chirac during a Bastille Day parade on July 14^th. A stunned France immediately surrendered en masse to the gunman and called for American intervention to save them.

President George W. Bush, speaking to a crowd at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, described U.S. economic woes as a "hangover" after the economic "binges" of the 90’s. A pale and shaky U.S. economy confirmed the assertion. "Man, I was just going out for a beer after work," the economy was quoted as saying. "the next thing I remember, I woke up in Mexico." The economy confirmed that the situation was similar to the time it got wasted and woke up in bed with China, but insisted that it "had everything under control" and "could quit anytime it wanted to."

Philadelphia 76ers guard Allen Iverson turned himself into police on July 15^th. Iverson was charged with assault, criminal trespass, terrorist threats and gun offenses arising out of an incident in which the NBA superstar allegedly tossed his wife naked out of the couple’s mansion, then burst into his cousin’s home with a gun while searching for her the next night. Meanwhile, Reebok, who last year renewed Iverson’s multi-year, multi-million dollar endorsement deal despite Iverson’s recurring brushes with the law, vowed to stand by him. In a related story, disgraced baseballer Pete Rose broke into a Cincinnati candy store, pistol-whipped the owner, and made off with the contents of the cash register. "What the heck," he said, "I walk the straight and narrow for years after a freakin’ gambling conviction, and I still can’t get the Hall of Fame to return my phone calls. But apparently, if you act like a thug, people will forgive anything."

San Francisco lawyer Marjorie Knoller was sentenced on July 16^th to the maximum four years in prison for involuntary manslaughter. Knoller and her husband Noel were convicted in the death of their neighbor Diane Whipple, who was mauled to death by the Knollers’ two huge Presa Canario dogs. Legal analysts had questioned the effectiveness of Knoller’s "Hey, the victim was only a lesbian" defense.

Controversy erupted last week over the announcement of plans by Public Television’s Sesame Workshop to feature an HIV-positive Muppet character in the South African version of "Sesame Street." While the Workshop defended the move as an important step towards promoting understanding in South Africa where in some areas up to 40 percent of women of child-bearing age are infected with HIV, the American Family Association decried the character as "A means for homosexual activists to influence young viewers". Undaunted, the Workshop pressed ahead with plans for several new characters, including Lester the Junkie Muppet, Boomer the Uncontrollably Flatulent Muppet, and Angelique the Anorexic Muppet. "That last one should be pretty cheap," a Workshop spokesman commented. "We won’t need much felt."

The House and the Senate vowed last week to get tough on corporate crime after a slew of accounting and insider trading scandals at Enron, Worldcom, ImClone, and other oddly named American corporations eroded confidence in American business and sent the stock market into a tailspin. "We're going to shackle them and take them to jail," vowed House Majority Whip Tom DeLay as staffers passed out torches and pitchforks on the House floor. "Somebody needs to go to jail," Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle agreed as Senate pages hammered together a set of stocks on the Capitol steps. When asked if they would recommend jail time for Vice President Dick Cheney or President George W. Bush if they were implicated in current investigations into their dealings as corporate heads, Daschle and Delay looked at each other in horror. "Good God, no," they chorused. "We were really thinking more about Martha Stewart."

Pop singer Michael Jackson recently appeared with Reverend Al Sharpton to denounce what he called "racism" in the music industry. Jackson, whose last album "Invincible" recorded dismal sales, blamed the album’s failure on a lack of promotion by Sony Music. Jackson attributed this to racial discrimination on the part of Sony Music head Tommy Mottola, who Jackson described "racist and very, very, very devilish." Asked to comment on Jackson’s allegations, Mottola replied, "Whaddya mean, Michael Jackson’s black!?" A spokesman for Rev. Sharpton released a statement saying that "The Reverend supports the dignity of all peoples, whether White, Black, Latino, or freakish multimillionaire pedophiles of indeterminate gender."

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.