A recent story on CNN tells us that the hunt for evil mastermind Osama bin Laden has gone online. "Counterterrorism experts are monitoring a number of Web sites they believe might contain messages from bin Laden," the story reports breathlessly. As you may remember, back in May, the Justice Department announced that it had relaxed rules on surveillance to allow federal agents to observe places they normally would first have obtained warrants for, such as religious institutions, libraries, and, of course, the Internet.

Now, it seems that all that federally subsidized web-surfing is paying off. CNN reports that "Counterterrorism experts are monitoring a number of Web sites and computer servers they believe might contain recent messages from bin Laden," including "markers or code words that indicate bin Laden is trying to signal supporters that he is alive." Perhaps most bizarre is the information obtained from some detainees that "al Qaeda members -- and possibly even bin Laden -- are hiding messages inside photographic files on pornographic Web sites."

Okay, I’ll grant that these people are fiendishly clever, not to mention prone to use the tools of civilization to bring about its downfall. But I can’t help but think that the detainees who provided that last little tidbit about the porno sites are rolling around on the floors of their little metal cages in Guantanamo Bay laughing at the gullibility of their interrogators.

But hey, it might be true. After all, it is, theoretically, possible to imbed lines of code into a photographic image on the web. So fearless patriot that I am, I ventured out into the far reaches of cyberspace, seeking to strike my own blow for truth, justice and the American Way by tracking down Osama. Like any intrepid hero, I took along a sidekick, who for purposes of anonymity, will be referred to by the name he uses online, Silverhand Elvenhammer. Silverhand is a forty-three year old comic book junkie who lives with his Mom, has seen "Fellowship of the Ring" thirty-two times, and has translated the entire script of the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" into Klingon. In other words, a geek’s geek. I felt like if anyone could guide me into the dark corners of cyberspace, it was him.

"So," Silverhand said, tossing a handful of Skittles into his mouth and chasing them with a swig of Jolt cola, "Where ya wanna go?"

"Beats me," I said. "You think maybe Osama’s hanging out in one of the chat rooms?"

He shrugged and turned to his keyboard. A few keystrokes later we were in an online chatroom called "Death to Amerikka." Someone whose online name was "IslamBoy" was holding forth on the "Zionist Pig-dogs" that ruled America.

"Maybe that’s him," I said. "Maybe that’s bin Laden."

"Naaah," Silverhand replied. "That guy’s an FBI agent."

"How do you know?"

"He’s always online, asking people where he can buy some anthrax spores, radioactive medical waste and plastic explosives. No real terrorist is that inept. Can we go look for hidden messages in the online pornography now? You promised."

He was beginning to whine, so I gave him the okay. He gave few clicks and another web page popped up. "Wow," said Silverhand. "That’s…really, uh, unusual."

"Man," I said. "That gerbil doesn’t look like he’s having a good time at all."

"Neither would you, if you were where he is."

"You think that girl on the left is really a cheerleader?" I wondered.

"Not with that many tattoos."

‘I don’t think Osama bin Laden would use this, dude," I said. "He and his bunch are pretty uptight about this kind of thing."

"Osama who? Oh, right."

"Remember the mission, Silverhand," I admonished as he clicked away.

"Right, the mission. Let me just check my e-mail first." He opened his e-mail program. A message popped up: "Overthrow Civilization Fast!"

"Wait, I said, "read that one." He clicked and the message window popped up on the screen:

"I was browsing the Internet just like you are when I came across this idea. I was pretty down and out, in fact I was eating rats and living in a cave in Afghanistan…"

"That’s him!" I shouted. "That’s Osama!"

Silverhand read on. "He says if you mail a dollar to each of the six addresses listed at the bottom of the message, then put your name and address at the top of the list and mail a copy to six other people, you’ll get rich."

"And finance more attacks on America," I muttered. "The fiend! As if his acts of terrorism and murder weren’t bad enough now he’s…he’s spamming!"

‘We need to call the FBI," Silverhand said. I picked up the phone and dialed the hotline. It was busy. I dialed again. Still busy. Five more tries over thirty minutes, all busy.

"I bet they’re online," Silverhand said.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.