INTRODUCING: RUFUS THE STUNT BUM!

Wondering what to get that special certain someone on your Christmas list this season? Well, as always, the Internet has your answer. No, I’m not suggesting you download some porn for the person in your office Secret Santa list. I’ve found something even weirder.

The aptly named Indecline Productions bring you the video "Bumfights." In case you were wondering just how low people will go for money (and were tired of watching "Jerry Springer"), "Bumfights" features…well, I’ll let the promo on the Website tell the story. "You’ll see drunk bums beating each other silly, real street fights, sick pranks, chick fights, crackheads, bum stunts, supermodel Angela Taylor…and hands down the rawest, most core [sic] ruckus ever filmed on behalf of indecline and the Bumfight crew." Of course, it’s also available on DVD.

No one can accuse Indecline of false advertising. When they mention crackheads, they mean actual footage of an addict named "Bling-Bling" smoking crack on screen. And, never fear, they actually do show bums beating each other silly. In one sequence, a homeless alcoholic named Donald Brennan (who later agreed to have the logo "Bumfight" tattooed on his forehead) fights another wino known as "Rufus the Stunt Bum" in a parking lot. The purse for this championship bout? Beer and doughnuts. One is not sure what compensation was offered to "Supermodel Angela Taylor," but from the looks of the promo, she wasn’t given much of a clothing allowance.

You’d better hurry if you want a copy of "Bumfights." Boosted by the endorsement of shock-jock Howard Stern, the video has sold over 300,000 copies at twenty smackers apiece. If the vid doesn’t sell out, there’s always the possibility that law enforcement will shut down the intrepid cinematic pioneers of Indecline. The four principals have been charged in California with battery, illegal fight promotion, soliciting a fight with deadly force (arising out of a segment where they paid a homeless woman named "Pork Chop" to attack a man in a San Diego bathroom) and conspiracy. The four (Ryan McPherson, 19; Zachary Bubeck, 25; Daniel J. Tanner, 21; and Michael Slyman, 21) have pleaded innocent, calling the charges "nonsense" and promising a sequel. As if that wasn’t persecution enough, the four are being sued by Brennan and Rufus the Stunt Bum for assault and battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress and civil rights violations.

Frankly, I think the bums, the cops and the lawyers should just lighten up. The Indecline crew is merely following the lead of the major (and the minor) networks into "Reality TV." After all, is watching drunken imbeciles beat each other bloody any more awful than watching them lurch across the landscape trying to avoid justice in "Cops"? Is watching a deranged bum remove one of his own teeth with a pair of pliers any sicker than watching a Playboy Playmate get covered with bugs in "Fear Factor"?

And the networks continue to come up with new and innovative ways to entertain us on the cheap by showing us people we can feel superior to. Coming up, there’s ABC’s "The Will," where members of a family connive on live TV for a "rich benefactor" to leave them his sizable estate. CBS, original developer of that TV classic "The Beverly Hillbillies" wants to turn the concept into a reality show. "The network already has a crew of casting agents combing ‘mountainous, rural areas’ in Arkansas, West Virginia, North Carolina, Tennessee and Kentucky in search of a "multi-generational family of five or more -- parents, children and grandparents -- who will be relocated for at least a year" to a mansion in Beverly Hills," according to the Washington Post. Not to be outdone, the Fox Network revealed plans for a real-life "Green Acres" where rich folk are relocated to some rural area "preferably in the South," according to an article in "Variety."

I’m still waiting for the reality show version of "Hogan’s Heroes". Think of it…contestants are locked in a prison camp, surrounded by barbed wire with Nazi guards, and made to do wacky stunts like subjecting themselves to medical experiments. Every week, one unlucky contestant is voted out and led away to be shot. I know, I’m amazed that I’m not a TV exec. There really ain’t no justice.

The only crime the "Bumfights" crew has committed is being small businessmen rather than flacks for some huge TV conglomerate. Armed with only their dreams, a video camera, and some beer and doughnuts, they set out to make a better life for themselves by exploiting the horror and degradation of their fellow men (and women…let’s not forget Pork Chop.)

The harassment of these brave entrepreneurs, if you ask me, is just another example of political correctness run amok. Besides, if the bums’ lawsuit prevails, trial lawyers might benefit. And no one wants that, do they?

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.