WHO’S SORRY NOW?

This week, this column introduces a new feature: the Apology Watch.

It’s just gotten too darn hard for the average Joe or Jane to keep up with all of the apologies and demands for same flying around in media-space. Who’s apologized? For what? Who’s demanding an apology and not getting it? We’ll try to keep you up to date on who’s sorry now.

We’ll also attempt to rate each covered apology on a scale ranging from one to ten. To illustrate, let’s start with a recent apology, which we’ve rated as a one, the lowest level. That would be Saddam Hussein’s apology last week to Kuwait for invading that country in 1990. "We apologize to God for any action that may anger the Almighty if such an action took place in the past, unbeknownst to us but considered to be our responsibility, and to you we apologize on this basis as well." The statement went on to chide the Kuwaitis for allowing US troops into the region: "The foreigners are occupying your country . . . and as you know, when the foreigners occupy a country, they do not only desecrate the soil but the soul, the religion and the mind."

It’s easy to see why this gets a one. First off, it wasn’t delivered by Saddam himself, but was delivered in a prepared statement by his information minister. This is like sending your secretary to read a letter to your neighbor apologizing for setting fire to his dog. It just lacks a little something.

Then, of course, there’s the wording, which is like "If we did set fire to your dog, which we don’t say we did, and if anyone thought it was our fault, we apologize to God, oh, and to you too. And by the way, we don’t like the people you hang out with." Needless to say, the Kuwaitis were not impressed, and who can blame them?

Next comes once and future Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott , who recently put his foot in his mouth all the way to the kneecap. At a 100^th birthday celebration for fossilized Senator Strom Thurmond, Lott noted that, when Thurmond ran for President back in 1948, Lott’s home state of Mississippi was one of the four states who voted for him. "We're proud of it," Lott yelled to the cheering crowd. "And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either."

Lott didn’t specify whether "all these problems" meant things like voting rights for black people. But that’s certainly the way a lot of people took it. After all, Thurmond’s Dixiecrats distributed a handout to potential Dixiecrat voters warning that , if Harry Truman’s "so-called civil rights platform" was voted in, "anti-lynching and anti –segregation proposals will become the law of the land and our Southern way of life will be gone forever." So, does Lott’s definition of "all these problems" include anti-lynching and anti-segregation laws?

He says not. "This was a lighthearted celebration of the 100th birthday of legendary Sen. Strom Thurmond," Lott defended himself. "My comments were not an endorsement of his positions of over 50 years ago, but of the man and his life." This, unfortunately, only served to throw gasoline on the fire. Finally, Lott tried for an apology: "A poor choice of words conveyed to some the impression that I embraced the discarded policies of the past," Lott said in a second statement issued Monday night. "Nothing could be further from the truth, and I apologize to anyone who was offended by my statement."

I’m afraid this one only gets a five. At least Trent admitted to something, if only poor word choice. But "I’m sorry if you were offended" implies that maybe you shouldn’t have been. It would have been better, in my opinion, to expand on the "lighthearted birthday party" theme by going on to say, "And I got carried away by the usual rah-rah, the-guest-of-honor-is-the-greatest-thing-since-sliced-bread bushwa that’s expected at such events."

For an example of how to really do a mea culpa, we go to former Bush White House aide John DiIulio. DiIluio was retracting statements that he had made to a reporter from Esquire magazine in which he criticized the Bush White House for being "being run by the political arm" of the staff. "It's the reign of the Mayberry Machiavellis," DiIulio sneered.

DiIulio’s apology was so abject, it made you wonder if maybe someone had sent him a message by leaving a decapitated horse’s head in his bed. "My criticisms were groundless and baseless," he groveled, "due to poorly chosen words and examples. I sincerely apologize and I am deeply remorseful."

This one rates a 9.5. The only thing that kept him from getting a perfect 10 was that he failed to apologize to the legions of Andy Griffith fans out there for the Mayberry crack.

Well, I see we’re just about out of space, so I won’t be able to get to some of the other recent apologies, such as the Governor of Oregon’s apology for years of forcibly sterilizing people in state run institutions, or Michael Jackson’s apology for dangling his baby out of a fourth story window.

Sorry about that.

COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.