Ten Tips On Dealing With Your Lawyer (Written After a LONG Day)

1. Drop by the lawyer's office frequently "just to check up on things". Don't bother to make an appointment; a lawyer's day is dull and monotonous and he will appreciate the break in routine. Be sure to call back several times within the next hour with small details that you "just forgot to mention". Your lawyer needs to hear your voice as often as possible to develop that warm attorney-client bond.

2. Be sure to bring all the documents pertinent to your case in a wadded-up paper bag along with your grocery list, old credit card slips, and your child's report cards from last year. Shove things across the lawyer's desk at random, without explanation, whenever he askes a question. You never know what seemingly irrelevant scrap of paper may be the key to your whole case.

3. Be sure to be indignant when your lawyer is not available the moment you call or drop in. You're a busy person, and he has no right to be in court or seeing other clients when you need to let him know again how unfair your situation is and how upset you are.

If you absolutely must leave a message, be sure to leave a number you know you won't be at later. Even better, leave your old phone number, the one that's just been disconnected.(Note: This has actually happened to me several times.) Turn off your answering machine or just don't bother to check it. That way, you can complain bitterly that your lawyer "never returns your phone calls."

4. Frequently call your lawyer at home at dinnertime. His family will surely appreciate it. Besides, cold dinners are better for the digestion. And after his spouse leaves with the children because your lawyer has no time for family, your lawyer will have much more time to devote to your case.

5. When you call, don't bother to identify yourself. Your lawyer and his staff should recognize your voice immediately, and you have every right to be upset when they don't. The staff should be on their toes enough to immediately know the answer when you call and say only, "Hey. Them papers ready yet?"

6. If your call is taken by a receptionist or secretary, be sure to tell them your entire story, even if all they ask for is your name and phone number. Do not be afraid to start with the day you were born. Do not be deterred by the sound of other lines ringing in the background; they'll wait while you pour out your heart to the receptionist. It will be good practice for when you have to tell the whole story over again to your lawyer.

7. When your lawyer gives you a legal opinion or suggests a settlement of your case, be sure to argue vehemently with him. Lawyers love to argue, and besides, what is his training and experience compared to what you've heard from your Aunt Louise?

Any bad news should be answered with accusations that the lawyer is taking money from the other side to sell you out.This will change your lawyer's assessment of the situation to something more pleasing to you.

8. It's very helpful to have your closest friend, your mother, and your uncle who used to sell insurance call your lawyer frequently with advice on how he should be handling your case. Your lawyer is sure to appreciate the input.

9. Your lawyer will do a better job without a lot of negative information cluttering his mind. Therefore, you should not give your lawyer any information about your case which you think might harm your chances. Besides, lawyers love surprises, especially when they happen in court. You'll enjoy the look on your lawyer's face when your wife's attorney shows the judge the credit-card receipts for the trip to Bermuda you took with your girlfriend that you "forgot" to tell your lawyer about, or when the D.A. tells the judge about the seven DWI's you had in Arizona which you "didn't think were important" because "they was all lies anyway."

10. Don't bother to pay your legal fees and be sure to complain loudly about them, paid or not. Your lawyer should recognize that you are trying to correct a miscarriage of justice and be satisfied with the knowledge that he is doing good works. His staff will also accept that warm glow of satisfaction in lieu of payment, as will the banks holding the mortgage on his home and office. Lawyers make too much money anyway, a fact which they're always glad to hear about.